Wanted: Monster

monster 2The Parker Institute for Time Travel Studies (The PITTS), renowned throughout time and space as the penultimate college dedicated to finding those who are not lost or even confused or misplaced, is seeking a monster for an upcoming experiment in a basement laboratory.  The ideal candidate will be required to participate in a variety of scientific investigations including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Mind Transfer
  • Transmogrification into a Rat, Sewer
  • Transmogrification into a Bat, Vampire
  • Mopping Floors
  • Time Travel to 17th Century Transylvania
  • Getting Coffee for Mad Scientists
  • ESP
  • ESPN (for score reports, football season only)
  • Temporary Duty (TDY) to the Roswell Army Air Field, New Mexico, 1947
  • Crop Circle Creation
  • TDY to certain regions between Bermuda and Florida

Experience in medicine is a plus, especially familiarity with snake oil, leeches, eyes of newt, garlic, crucifixes, ice baths, opium, extortium, and powdered unicorn horns.

The term monster used in this advertisement may apply to any horrific carnivorous being, including extraterrestrials, mythological creatures, dinosaurs, giant insects, vermin, lycanthropes, golems, oozes, dire wolves, cockroaches and other aberrations of nature.

Salary remitted in stock options.

The PITTS is an equal opportunity employer.

Copyright © 2013

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8 thoughts on “Wanted: Monster

  1. Dear Sir,

    It is with pride that I am able to offer a sample of creatures and monsters from my Living Bestiary which may suit your needs. All are warranted to be authentic specimens of their species or type and in good health upon delivery. Currently, I have available the following for your consideration:

    one Baldander
    one Eight-Forked Serpent
    two Morlocks
    one Jinn in a bottle
    one Lamed Wufniks (extremely rare)
    one Monkey of the Inkpot
    two Ouroboros
    three Swedenborg Devils
    one Youwarkee
    one Squonk,
    one (possibly two) Hidebehind(s)
    one Cheshire Cat
    nine Domovoi
    one Catoblepas
    one Onager
    one Yale
    one Parandrus
    five Ducks

    I have had the honour in my long history to have supplied the Menagerie of Hierakonpolis, the Menagerie of Empress Tanki, King Wen of Zhou, King Solomon, King Semirami, King Nebuchadnezzar, and others of note.

    I am able to provide references to the quality of my creatures from several exemplars.

    Payment can be made in valuta (such as precious metal, gemstones, rare substances), rare bodily fluids and excretions, or barter.

    To express interest in the creatures of my current Living Bestiary, or if you wish to create a commission for a particular creature, please reply by return Roc. Please be advised that special commissions carry a surcharge and non-refundable deposit, to be determined at the time of contract.

    May your days be long and fruitful,

    Papil Maviridae

    1. If the Baldander is ugly enough, vicious enough, and repulsive enough, then he/she/it may be the suitable candidate. All applicant cats (county of origin notwithstanding) must exist in a simultaneous state of life and death. Yale would not be, as The PITTS supports Harvard University.

      1. Dear Sir,

        It was with great pleasure that I received your return letter to my offer of January 28th. As a result of my woeful inability to anticipate your needs and to express myself properly, I now wish to provide you with greater clarity regarding my offer.

        The classic form of a Baldander in its state of rest is usually that of a human head and torso, with one goat leg and one bird leg, having the wings of a large bird and the tail of a fish. All Baldanders are repulsive of face in this form. The primary ability of the Baldander is that of transmorgrification, that is, shape shifting. There is no known shape that the Baldander cannot assume, size being the only limiting factor. To illustrate, a Baldander may become your doppelganger, it may become a mop, but it may not become the entire range of the Atlas Mountains. Baldanders can be made vicious by provocation.

        Regarding the state of the Cheshire Cat, it is neither here nor there, and therefore can be either dead or alive at any particular moment in time, depending on one’s perspective. I had sold several to the ancestor of a fine Austrian physicist who was famous for his work in the first half of the 20th century, to the ancestor’s great satisfaction. Furthermore, it is known that the Cheshire Cat has fathered offspring, one of which is a kitten named Pixel, which is able to walk through walls.

        To address the issue of the Yale not being a suitable candidate for your endeavours, as its name in the English language is also that of an opposing institution of higher education and, it is presumed, learning, may I apologize now for my ignorance in not foreseeing this possible occasion of misunderstanding. A Yale’s name in the English language is derived from its Latin appellation, “Eale,” and is also sometimes referred to as a Centicore. This creature can be very vicious and dangerous when provoked. Severe goring can be the result of contact with either of the creature’s long, flexible, mobile and very sharp horns. As the Centicore is the size of a horse, severe trampling may also be the fate of a victim, as well as large and often fatal bites from its boar-like jaws.

        May I also suggest the Catoblepas again for your consideration? The creature is truly deadly, as should any person be so unfortunate to look into the large, red bloodshot eyes of a Catoblepas, the effect is immediate death. Furthermore, the creature has foul and deadly breath from its diet of poisonous plants.

        As an addendum to my letter of the 28th, I must again apologize for an insufficiency in my offer, as I neglected to mention that the Ducks proposed were Ducks of Pontus. Of course, such a all-knowing and powerful Mage as yourself does not need to be told that Ducks of Pontus are themselves poisonous, and not to be eaten, but that the bodily fluids of the creature and certain organs are highly useful in a staggeringly wide variety of compositions and antidotes. As I have recently been so fortunate as to come into a large number and selection of Ducks of Pontus, I am able to offer terms of “two for one,” with a limit of three with every major creature purchased. To valued customers, I am also pleased to offer a plan of payment, with easy terms.

        Again, please allow me to reiterate my pleasure at your response to my letter of the 28th, and allow me to express my deep regret at any misunderstandings which took place, the error being wholly mine.

        I look forward to your expression of interest by by return Roc.

        May your days be long and fruitful, with many children to delight you.

        Papil Maviridae

  2. David Appenzellar

    My first thought was that I am glad the Parker Institute didn’t have a family behind it that their last name started with the letter T. That would some how way or form taken some of the intellectual credence away. And then as I read I thought “By jolly dear Harry Potter will finally get its run for its money.” No need for Oprah to reccomend on her shows or book clubs. Appeal to the inquisitive minds of teens to get their imagination going and step out of the box and will also attrack an adult audience. For see it wouldn’t be Harry Potter for that’s been done. But follow the lines just as the first generations accepted Batman, Spiderman, and the Green Hornet. They all took you to a magical place where they could do super human feats and kids and adults alike waited with their change for the newest issue to come out. Then I came to what Monster would they want and bring in to their fold. I figure if I knew such their may be a generous fee or stock option being a head hunter. I a on the lookout for a Monster with the heritage of a Teenage Mutant Turtle and/or some of the aquaintances, the Hunch Back of Notre Dame ( there is a senior football player I will check references on and family members as it appears he has somewhat bowed his head over in a hunch fashion after having a mythyical girlfriend and perhaps she may be the connection ), Batgirl and Hazel ( that lady knew how to clean, could keep a house running smoothly, had the manners of Emily Post, never let a teenage get to her and was ethnic in heritage. When this Monster is found I know you will have found what you will be after. In the mean time my only sincere suggestion is to have a large display area set up with Monster drinkd and any and all advertising you can find. And next to it have one of those amazing round rombas to clean for you. This exhibition of things will be sure to have the energy field around it that will appeal to and attract the Monster you seek. I do want to be clear on one item. If you should come down to the laboratory and find the cans knocked over and thrown around the room on several occassions I will say you already have yourself a Monster or polterguist and then you may have some concerns to deal with that to rectify it may not be planned in the yearly budget in The Pitts.
    Most Sincerely:
    Leroy
    AKA David L. Appenzellar
    A Middle Child Middled Name Personality of His
    dla/l
    1/28/1993

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